Focusing on Joy!
Warning: Sobb-ish Story to follow.
I had a particularly difficult Holiday Season one year. My boyfriend of 8 months, broke up with me on the phone… the night before a formal gala event and 2 weeks before Christmas. ugh. He said we were too different.
I struggled with his decision, of course, but, particularly because i had treated him rather poorly the last time we saw each other. (in my defense, I was PMS’ing and very, very tired). I had self-righteously been preaching at him in the car about something and disrespected him with a frustrated angry dismissive comment (there may have been a hand wave and a turn away too). We were cold to each other the rest of the day. He ruminated on that behavior for a week where we didn’t talk or see each other because of conflicting work and sleep schedules. I also ruminated… feeling terrible, I couldn’t WAIT to apologize. but unfortunately, the first opportunity we had to speak, he decided to dump me.
What made the break up even more difficult was that I felt so strongly that God had put us together. He was an answer to prayer…alot of prayers and a lovely “how we met” story. Why would God bring us together, if we weren’t meant to last?
I was restless, hurt, angry, ashamed, rejected and dejected. I went home for Christmas to be surrounded by loving, patient family (all coupled up, of course). They were supportive and kind and empathetic, but at 40 years old, single and sad, the festivities were salt for my wound. I wanted to join in, and tried… but couldn’t manage more than holding it together and smiling. New year’s Eve was tough too… i was back in my apartment, for a few days prior… alone, not working and nothing to do but ruminate. I prayed unceasingly, cried to the Lord with my faithful Aunt Sylvia, who called almost daily to pray and encourage me. I don’t think I would have made it through without her.
My crying was incessant and really unlike me. I’m normally a rock, i promise. My cousin Susie sent me a few encouraging messages… and one of them said simply “Smile”. I thought about all that i had been doing – making myself sadder… and started looking for joy. I ran across Psalm 2:4 that my cousin Renee’s husband had highlighted in YouVersion (its like Goodreads but only for the Bible) “The one enthroned in heaven laughs!” what a great picture!
i couldn’t quite form a smile on my own face. it looked kind of like constipation when i tried, so i decided to focus on other people’s smiling faces, and looked for faces that might resemble a representation of God smiling… try googling “Jewish Man with Beard laughing”. its awesome. That’s where i found the picture above… you can’t help but smile at it. So i spent the day attempting to focus on and paint that sentiment. i am not a real artist, but i really enjoy the process and can get lost for hours in it. I have to say… it worked, at least for the time i focused on that laughing face…i felt lighter, the joy infectious. With some uplifting music in the background and a paintbrush in hand, i smiled. I sat back down in my yellow fuzzy chair (everyone needs one of those!) and stared at the “face” of God smiling. It got me through a day and it is now a mainstay in my living room (my poor roomie). So i thought i would share a smile and possibly lighten your day too. So if you are sad, give yourself a few days in the the sad movies and songs, cry it out, but then turn those off, find a dance station, look at some happy faces and smile!
by the way, In this process, I continue to pray… asking God to heal me and heal the relationship if he chooses, or point me in a new direction. I believe God works miracles of every shape, form and fashion. He’s already shown me… and I trust him. Until then, I focus on his smiling face! It actually makes me laugh… Can you picture the amount of joy that would eminate from God- laughing?! thats some powerful stuff!
(UPDATE – since this was written some time ago – I am happily married to a different, wonderful man and I am SO thankful!)
